Mourning

Our camping trip to Mammoth Caves was cut short. We knew that Grandpa Wilbur had been struck by a car and was in critical condition (this just weeks after Grandma Judy had a bowel resection for colon cancer), but he continued to decline. So Nick and I and all of the family packed up our things and drove the 7 hour drive to Michigan. When we arrived at 10 pm to the hospital was when I wished I was not an ICU nurse. I knew too much. He was on the ventilator, paralyzed, and sedated. On levo and maxed on vaso to maintain his blood pressure. A CRRT machine was acting as his kidneys. And he kept jumping from a sinus to a junctional rhythm as his cardiac enzymes just continued to climb higher. In other words, he was sick, and I knew just how sick and how he was not going to make it. So we went to a hotel and slept.

The next day, Grandma Judy and Nick's parents were there at the same time. And we decided to make him a DNR, do not resuscitate. Grandma Judy was not ready yet to let go. And so we sat, and we waited, as he got sicker. The next morning, Grandma Judy came in, and we had a talk. She asked a lot of questions and I answered them. And as I guided her to making the decision to withdraw care, I couldn't help but hate myself just a little. In my job, I have this conversation a lot, and I am good at having it, maybe too good. But it is different addressing this issue with a stranger and with your grandma. She said that she could not bear the decision to be made by her, but rather she wanted us to take that burden. And so, as a family, we decided to withdraw care, to turn everything off and begin a morphine drip. He passed quickly and quietly yesterday morning, and we are spending today and tomorrow planning the funeral. But my heart continues to be heavy for her. Keep Judy in your prayers.

And so a poem I wrote for Grandpa Wilbur:

Alas, My Only Love
A Poem in Remembrance
Of Richard Wilbur

An old hymn fills the room,
The words bring despair.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
More than I can bear.

A calm fills the room,
As into Heaven you peer.
This imperfect world you leave behind,
As angels draw you near.

Make haste, my Only love,
Do not tarry here.
Where pain has overcome you,
And all you know is fear.

Alas, my Only love,
As dying fills the air,
Abundant life awaits you,
And the Lord to take you there.